(Originally published 2/15/14)
She sat across the break room table from me, telling me all about it. I've learned better the past few years how to be a gracious listener, so it's not like she was dominating conversation. But this coworker of mine was sure giving me a good case for why it was perfectly reasonable for her to hold to her position. At least she wanted me to think she was sure of herself... Ending every other statement or explanation with "You know what I mean?" can sometimes be a tactful conversational tool that lends to reciprocity in dialogue. This time I think it betrayed a lack of complete confidence in the ideology being posited.
Her position?
Marriage was something she tried once, and she's happily decided that, as with her current, long-time boyfriend of several years, it's just not a road she needs to go down again. I asked, as carefully as I could, if it could be that she wants to avoid marriage to avoid the injustices and pitfalls that occurred in the last marriage, or if it was something else. She stopped...looked upward as the gears turned, looked back down at me squinting, said, "You know, I don't think I ever really thought that part through..." but quickly resumed her confident position by stating a conclusion she'd landed on in those few seconds, and stated something to the effect of wanting to just be sure she'd be treated right this time, knowing she's just a different person than during that "married phase," and liking the mixture of both worlds of roommate/friend and committed romantic interest.
It didn't matter how confident she was or how well she articulated that thought. The truth was confirmed. She, like me, like you, and like all of us, wants to have her cake and eat it too, when it comes to relationships. Her current position on the institution of marriage is a self-serving, self-centered one. It's pretty normal nowadays...unfortunately.
Valentine's Day 2014 has come and gone. That holiday that briefly breaks up the monotony of the home stretch of wintertime, and that draws so many polarizing reactions from the various demographics of society - some ire and bitterness, some joy and twitterpation (I just made that up, but I'll give the wise, friendly owl on "Bambi" the credit) - well, it just serves to prove my point:
We seek love to seek fulfillment for ourselves.
Don't believe me? Consider the most popular, two-word expression on those little heart candies that have been commonly given with Valentines: BE MINE. "Mine," the word so often screamed by small children as they fight over things they want to rip from the hands of someone else already possessing it, to have it for themselves.
Ok, so I'm being a little facetious. I know that it's a little too harsh to claim that Valentine's Day's message is purely or predominantly to go out and make that one day of the year the most selfish you can. I know that no commercials say "This Valentine's Day, manipulate that special someone into getting you just what you deserve, because you're the only one in your universe." And yes, I know there are other more seemingly selfless or transitive expressions on those candy hearts besides "Be Mine."
But I am pointing out that, more incidentally than anything else, this ever-popular "Be Mine" expression at Valentine's Day is quite the profound manifestation of how we as present day Americans view our relationships, especially marriage.
My church's current sermon series is called "Happily Ever After," and Pastor Jason has been laying down an extremely thought-provoking, deeply philosophical, and beautifully theological message about how it is that we can get to happiness and fulfillment in our relationships. In the first part of our series he began with very telling statistics that represent that extreme shift our country has gone through over the last half century, regarding views on sexuality, marriage, and how to be happy in marriage and make it last. When comparing what studies show on our beliefs about marriage vs. the actual reality that occurs in our relationships, the painful conclusion is that there's an enormous gap between what we'd like to believe about our chances at that happy movie-like ending, and what actually tends to be the case in our real lives.
We all wonder how it can be that we get it so wrong, despite wanting so badly to find love, work to keep it, and have relationships and marriages. Pastor Jason points out that there's been a great sabotage in our lives, by our own hands, when we fail to realize that we don't look at marriage the way God recommends.
It used to be, many years ago, that prevailing philosophy on marriage's purpose was to offer oneself as a sacrifice for the greater good. There was almost a utilitarian view, that if a civil and proper marriage arrangement could be attained, those in the state of matrimony were doing their civic duty and creating yet another foundational stone for the undergirding of our land. Now, popular thought is that the purpose of marriage is to find someone that "completes me," that makes me happy, and that fulfills what I'm aiming for in life. Do you hear the message in that? Me, me, me...
When this was pointed out in this way during that first message of the series, I found myself feeling humbled and a bit taken aback. I asked myself, with deep introspection, How much was it a factor in choosing to marry my wife that I knew she would make me happy, and she'd bring me fulfillment?
It can be easy to say, "Well what's so wrong with that? Don't we deserve to be made happy? Isn't a marriage founded on fulfillment a good thing?" I know where that thought comes from, and I'll tell you that if you're thinking that, you're missing the point.
Here is the point: We do marriage a massive disservice when we put all the pressure of expectation onto that other spouse-to-be if it all hinges on their ability to just fill that ol' love tank all the way to the top. By God's grace, we may find someone who does that some of the time. But the truth is, no one is perfect. The mistake comes when we fall for the lie that marriage is about finding that proverbial "soul mate," and then hoping they don't want to ever change you, and you don't ever want to change them. Honestly, many of us have experienced that no matter how perfect they seem for you up front, whether it's the day after the honeymoon ends, or a year later, or 10 years later, they WILL disappoint you in all of that. You WILL disappoint him/her in all of that.
How can we get it right? Well, the Apostle Paul says in Ephesians 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her." Pastor Jason unpacked this verse beautifully, pointing out that what we do as spouses (or significant others) is to basically imitate what Christ did as he served the Church (in other words, the whole group of believers, those he saved) with his perfect life, innocent death on the cross, and resurrection back to life. He sacrificed himself, and in so doing, not only paid the price for our salvation and our tickets to heaven, but also provided a striking model for what he originally designed in marriage.
So, we don't do anybody any favors when we look at the pursuit of love in relationships as something that's a mission to get something for ourselves. Instead of thinking "Be mine" when that object of your affection comes to mind, maybe try thinking "Let me be yours!" In other words, "Let me be the one to emulate Christ to you. Let me have the station in your life of being the only one to sacrifice fully, give you what you need, and be unconditional in my dedication to you." An interesting proposition has been put out there for Christians: Do for your spouse what Christ has done for you. Nevermind that they won't listen to you. Nevermind that they may not reciprocate evenly. Nevermind that they don't always - or may rarely - deserve it, as you see it.
DO FOR YOUR SPOUSE WHAT CHRIST HAS DONE FOR YOU.
And what has he done? He's given all. He's given freely, so that you may have fully. He lay his bleeding, sweat-soaked body down onto the gnarled wooden plank of his cross, stretched his quivering, aching body out across the beams, held himself still while he knew he could just call out and guardian angels would descend to his rescue by the thousands....and he let those stakes be driven through his body. He let his blood pour and the pain course through his limbs, and he let the onlookers gawk and cuss him out and mock his slow death. Finally, he stayed put, under the mountainous burden of your sin and mine, while his Father in heaven turned his back on him, and all he could do as he suffered the payment of God's just wrath, was cry out "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me??"
God forsook Jesus, so he wouldn't have to eternally forsake you. And we can take that grace and shower it onto our spouses. We can ask that they let us be theirs, and that we get to be the ones to mutually fulfill the other by sacrificing for them, as they do the same in Christ. We are all self-centered, there's no way around that. The only way to conquer that is to seek Christ-centeredness.
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I don't know for sure about where my coworker's faith lies. But I do know that all of us encounter someone every day who, because they don't know Jesus, can't know how to truly love. You couldn't, and I couldn't, without the example of Christ and empowerment from God's Holy Spirit. All around us there are people slaughtering their relationships with a tendency towards selfishness that always lurks below the surface because of sinful human nature. We know this is our battle and we still labor mightily in it. Imagine how much harder it is for others to win when they don't even realize. When they don't even have the lens we do - this worldview that starts with knowing Christ and being motivated to love by "reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21) - they are robbed of their ability to start from the right place in loving others and navigating their relationships successfully.
We Christians must overcome this for them. Rather, we must be the inspiration for them to overcome this themselves.
Let every person we see around us see in us, and our relationships and marriages, a sacrifice of love to each other that's so pure and powerful that they can't help but want to have it for themselves. God designed marriage to be a beautiful, artful expression of himself, and a reflection of the Gospel. When we love each other as Christ did, we preach that saving message through the testimony of our relationships. At the very least, we give a starting point that helps us develop caring relationships with others, where questions can be asked, answers can be given, truths can be shared, and the Gospel in its entirety may one day hopefully bring that person him/herself to Christ's waiting, open arms. Then, his love will change their eternity and bless everything about their lives until eternity arrives.
It can all start when we remember our Lord and his kind of love, when we look outward instead of inward, and we say,
"Let me be YOURS!"
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