Heavy Love

There I sat, my confession still lingering in the air, its words too saturated with meaning and pain to be absorbed as quickly as a funny joke or piece of daily news. My tears squeezed out with the confession, but now there were tears from us both. I knew God had already forgiven me and wiped away my guilt, but now it was her forgiveness that I had to ponder and savor. 

See, what I'd just done was get the deceit out of my spirit. On Sunday morning this week we had heard a guest pastor speak about Psalm 32 and how we can become truly happy.

He read: "Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the LORD does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit (emphasis added)." - Psalm 32:1-2

Repentance is a common idea among those who follow Jesus. Yet confession, especially to another human being, is almost taboo. It certainly can be terrifying, to say the least. Especially if that confession is meant to dismiss some "deceit" that has been in your heart as a result of keeping sin from someone who needs to know. You're probably like me, in that you feel pretty brave about many things in life, until it comes time to decide whether to make confession to another. But it's something God invites - nay, commands us to do in our lives as his followers. There's necessary therapy that's meant to come from it.

That Psalm 32 passage was somehow unpacked more powerfully than I'd ever heard it. Line by line, that pastor read and elaborated each part with a smile on his face for the liberation that each part carries...

"Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven..."  

"Yes, awesome!" I thought in response.

"...whose sins are covered..."  

"Amen! Covered so God can't even look upon them!" I thought in jubilation.

"...whose sins the LORD does not count against them..." 

"Yes, Jesus," I responded, "THANK YOU! What a relief that you and I don't have to talk about it anymore!"

"...AND in whose spirit is no deceit."

"............"

"Wait, what?...The clincher on all that is that I don't have ANY hiding or lies about it?"

Yes. 

"So I have to confess it and get it out in the open?"

Yes. 

This is where it gets painstakingly hard, doesn't it brothers and sisters? And I can talk openly about this because we all have something to confess. Know how I know that? Because we're all sinners. We all have our buttons Satan pushes. Our vices. Our addictions. Our weak spots. Call it what you will....unless you're spiritually blind to every flaw you carry, you KNOW where you could stand to get that deceit out of your spirit. 

The point our preacher for the day made next was this: "If you don't sing a "sad song" (the confession part), you won't be happy for long."

The sad song reference to confession comes from the fact that this very Psalm 32 was itself a sad song King David had written as he confronted, confessed, and found full absolution for the horrible sins he had committed (adultery, murder, false witness, lies - quite the list). 

But then Psalm 32 goes on to describe that this deceit that needs to get out to complete the picture of blessedness and happiness is something that won't be forced out of us until we realize how God is trying to show us his desire for repentance. 

"When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer."   - Psalm 32:3-4

Have you ever just felt like there's a weight you're living under in life that you simply cannot get out from? It may take on other labels at times, or be interwoven into another diagnoses, like stress, anxiety, depression even. But do you know what I mean? It's as if the world is just holding you down and something isn't right. It's God's hand, actually. He's laying it right on you, refusing to lift it until you come out of your heart-fog and accept that you have something that's chipping away at your soul that needs release. 

I have felt that way for a long time. Certain things here and there were fine. The "dailies" would come and go, but each and every night I put my head on my pillow, I knew "that one thing" has crossed my mind and plagued my conscience at some point or another. I could run but not hide. God's hand had been heavy upon me. 

After this confession was made, and all remaining hiding games and deceit had been let go of from my spirit, I began to step towards a true happiness. There's the kind of happiness we wear like a mask before others, not letting on what's really wrong. Then there's THIS. Not only had an immediate weight been lifted, but my relationship with that person who needed to hear my confession was given a deposit of improvement. And best of all, my relationship with my God began brightening again. With his hand freshly lifted, I saw it, like a light bulb brightening in my mind and heart. And that's when the tears changed from tension and sorrow and release.....to an almost indescribable joy and gratitude. 

I got it. It made sense. Once again, it was as if I had JUST BEEN SAVED by the Lord, for the very first time. 

I realized that the Lord, my God, the maker of the universe and my savior, who has 7 billion other people to attend to that he loves, had been making sure to specifically hold his hand upon me like a weight, until I would awaken to what he was doing, hear exactly the sermon message I needed, and then remove the deceit from my spirit so I could be blessed and happy. 

He did that not because he likes to nag. He did that not because he's an obsessive enforcer and wants the power trip of wringing guilt out of human beings. 

No, he did that because he loves me so much that he'd rather I live awhile (however long I chose to, really) under the discomfort of his heavy hand on top of me than lose me forever because of what sin and impenitence can do to a person if left for too long. We go through life downplaying the sins we live with, telling ourselves that as long as we can say today that our faith is still in the Lord, we'll be fine no matter what's wrong with us. But when God lets his hand, his presence, weigh heavily on us, he's trying to remind us that he knows better. He knows the foe, and our own sinful weakness, far better than we do. He knows he HAS TO hold on to us, even if with a heavy hand rather than a gentle one, lest we're torn away from him bit by bit and then lost to the separation and ugliness of hell for all eternity. It can happen to Christians, and it does happen all the time, when the heavy hand is run from with a hardened heart.

But - praise the Lord! - that will NOT be my fate, because I somehow finally heard God's spirit, through the speaking of that Scripture, whisper loudly enough that his hand was upon me too, like it had been on David's life. And now, having obeyed his call to repentance and confession, the healing could begin. And the reminder of his astounding love for me was blaring like a Newsboys worship concert over the quiet dirge of the sad song I'd just sung. God loves me that much!! He has to keep me from getting away!! He wants to bless me and make my life happy, and now I no longer stand in his way with my hiding and deceit! Praise the LORD!!

Today I read a verse of the day in an email, and it too was from the book of Psalms. Psalm 105:1 (NLT translation) said, "Give thanks to the LORD and proclaim his greatness. Let the whole world know what he has done."

So that's exactly what I'm doing! It's only too bad that the reaches of my blog site and Facebook account don't extend throughout the actual whole world. But God's goodness to me is certainly worth trying to shout out to as many as I can. 

My blog page's theme is "Mission: Possible." I like to discuss things in terms of what's possible, where we often perceive impossibility. The Christian truths can re-program our minds to see possible (with God's help) where mankind only can see impossible. Normally that centers on what's possible or impossible for me and you. But today's lesson of possible conquering the impossible has entirely to do with GOD himself. It's simply this:

It's impossible for God's love to let me down. 

When it seems impossible that I should deserve a love that goes to all lengths and trouble, that blows the mind of man in its lack of conditions and demands, God loves me anyway. He forgives me anyway. He pursues me; follows me around everywhere I go with his hand lying heavy on me, until I wake up again from my sin and deceit.

I hope folks read every one of my posts. I hope that every piece of what I put into this blog can speak truth into someone's life, lead them to God, convict them of something to change, provoke thought, etc. But THIS one I really hope everyone reads. Because when God's love is needing a spotlight, EVERYONE should see that love illuminated. My life is meant to be all about bringing him glory. So I hope every last one of you sees how my sin led to my confession and that led me back to the foot of the cross, where Jesus Christ's blood ran down that wood and my sins were forgiven for all time. I hope you all see that and rejoice. This is my Lenten testimony to God's greatness.

And I pray, for the sake of your true happiness, that you let this same thing happen to you. Dear Christians, don't hide. Let go of all deceit, bleed out your own confession. Then watch as God's mercy and unbelievable love bandage your wounded spirit and wash you clean. You will be blessed like nothing else can!